When Someone You Love Has Cancer: Tips for Positive Communication
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When someone close to us, a family member, friend, or valued colleague, receives a cancer diagnosis, sometimes empathy alone isn't enough. Our words carry more weight.
That's why, although you don’t need special training to talk to someone with cancer, following expert recommendations can make it easier to communicate at such a difficult time.
First: How to process your feelings
Learning that someone we love or care about has cancer can trigger strong emotions, including sadness, grief, and anger. Before you can offer them the best emotional support possible, you might need time to come to terms with your own feelings. It's okay to take that time and let them know what you're going through. However, even if you're not ready to have a meaningful conversation about the situation, there are other ways to show your support, such as bringing them a gift or a meal, or helping them get to their medical appointments.
How to talk to a cancer patient
It isn't always easy to know what to say or which comments to avoid when talking to someone with cancer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Remember that listening is what matters most. Try to understand how the person is feeling.
- Avoid downplaying or judging how they feel or act, and don't try to change their reactions.
- Make sure they know that you are always available to talk.
Fear and uncertainty can sometimes make a person with cancer seem angry, depressed, or withdrawn. These reactions are normal and part of the grieving process over what cancer has taken away from them, such as their health, energy, and time.
Most people gradually adjust and find a way forward. However, some may need additional support from a support group or mental health professional to help them navigate the changes cancer has brought to their lives.
In our culture, family and trust play an essential role in fostering communication. This helps people navigate the complex and emotional journey that follows a cancer diagnosis with the strongest and most positive support possible.
How to address guilt and stigma
If your loved one blames themselves for their cancer diagnosis, offer reassurance and let them know you care. Help them understand that although they can't change the past, they can take charge of their life and medical care, throughout treatment and in the future.
Some helpful things to say:
- “I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care about you. I'm here for you.”
- “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
- “It’s normal to feel this way. I'm here for you, no matter what.”
- "How are you feeling?"
- “I'm here if you want to talk about it.”
- “Please let me know how I can help.”
- “I will keep you in my thoughts.”
Discussing fear and death
People with cancer may sometimes talk about death, express concerns about their future or their family's, or share other fears. Listening to these thoughts can be difficult. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- A response isn't always necessary, but a willingness to listen is.
- If they ask for your thoughts on the disease, treatment, or other aspects of dealing with cancer, be straightforward and honest. It's also important to admit that you don't have all the answers.
Finding ways to connect
People with cancer may have concerns or sometimes struggle to feel hopeful. You may not be able to honestly say you know how they're feeling. Still, it's important to offer words of encouragement so they feel supported.
- Humor can play an important role in coping with cancer and can also provide another way to offer support and encouragement. It's an excellent way to relieve stress and provide a break from constantly thinking about cancer.
- Follow the lead of the person with cancer when it comes to humor. If they find something funny to say, that's healthy, and you can certainly laugh along with them.
- If they're looking good, say so! But refrain from commenting on changes in their appearance when they don't look as well, such as telling them, “You look pale” or “You've lost weight.” They're likely already aware of these changes, and hearing others mention them may make them uncomfortable.
Sources consulted
Asociación Mexicana de Lucha contra el Cáncer [Mexican Association Against Cancer]
American Cancer Society, “When Someone You Know Has Cancer”
UCLA Health, “What to say to someone with cancer”